HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
People in love make me want to vomit
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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