Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
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