I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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