Your face is a jimmy john
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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