last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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