as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
All the doctor said was why
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
