BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
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