First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
