It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
