I saw his package. It spoke to me.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
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Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
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Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
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