Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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