I just made out with a guy for $7.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Randomize
