I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
