Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
He felt like a one man threesome
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I need water and some morals
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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