I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
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I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
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