cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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