Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize