his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
