i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Randomize
