Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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