If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
