If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
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I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
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Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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