I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I think my moral compass just broke
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