And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
