I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
