i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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