you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
