He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
