I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
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