You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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