worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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