omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
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