i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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