you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Randomize
