fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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