next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Randomize
