my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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