I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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