I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
