We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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