Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Houston, we have a squirter
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Randomize
