can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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