Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
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