I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
