I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
