I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
