you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
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Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
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I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
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