My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say