This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
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She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
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You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?