at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret