In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
