Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Blood and glitter go together right?
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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