you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Randomize
