i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
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