The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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