Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
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